I close my eyes
and silently sigh,
the breath taking out
the grit of my soul.
Bare skin frostbitten
by your love that's gone colder
than the arctic depths.
Slipping so helplessly
into a spiral of colors,
swimming together
forming shades of despair.
My cold breath visible,
biting air around me,
stringing soft words
that foam up and writhe.
I bottle it up
the fizz slowly building;
Dull aches in my skull
bow down to blinked sleep.
I'm tired of trembling
on this tight rope of life;
On any side I lean to,
hate comes fast to meet me.
My asylum of sorrow
is vacant and airless,
with whispers of hope
lying curled at my feet.
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Canary word: Present
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
I love the poem, and the the words used
Yeah, I had thought that sounded a bit out there. I changed it back to "meet", like it was before. Thanks! ^_^
[s]BlackGhost[/s]
It was great but i do have a question about stanza 6 line 4 "hate comes fast to wring me" what exactly does that mean?
*Updated*
I took all your suggestions and amped up this poem, and replaced the last stanza. ^_^
[s]BlackGhost[/s]
This was really lovely. I agree with Claudette about punctuation, and your imagery really is very good.
I love the sibilance of "silently sigh". It sort of made it sound like a sigh itself, if that makes any sense. I'm not sure about the last two lines of this stanza. I like what they say, but it sounds a little jerky to me. I think it could be remedied by making the last line a syllabyl shorter (eg by changing"essence"), but I can't think of anything I like as much as "essence" right now, so that isn't really very helpful to you at all...I'm sorry!
I love the second stanza. It was very fresh and powerful.
I also love "spiral of colours" and "shapes of despair". It sounded really magical, though in a sinister sort of way.
I think the next two stanzas are weaker by comparison, but fine in their own right.They didn't have as much freshness as other places, but you'll still get away with it as there's nothing wrong with them, so basically I'm just being finiky, and it's your call.
I'd change "either" to "any." I don't really ahve a reason, I'm just going with my gut...
I love the string image. The whole tightrope thing added to the magic.
I like what your conclusion says, but I think your bear is a little off. I'd try saying it aloud. I'd suggest "Tears fall ceaselessly", and I'd rework teh seond line as it's a little cliche and I don't think it flows quite as well as it could.
Overall, I really enjoyed this piece, and your imagery is enchanting.
Really, I got chills and whirls reading this. The imagery, or sensory images? that this had was impressive, and I really liked it for that. The only thing I didn't like is that, at times, the lack of punctuation and general line confusion makes it hard to understand, or bumpy in places where flow would be nice.
I know it's an old poem, but perhaps you could go through, up the wording and flow, and clean up the last stanza--then, it would be even more amazing.
Not bad, quite good, not great.
Liked the concept but I guess I couldn't get to grips with the flow.
This certainly had the right touch of ice around it, and I loved how you used to the word "fizz". I suppose it's creative, but it was definitely an attention-grabber. My own complaint is about the ending - it was sort of cliche, the idea of crying and this is unnoticed. Perhaps it was just the way you phrased the very last line, though. I'd take up some of your skill in imagery and apply that to fix this.
I like the seeming ice cold tone the poem takes on. I do have a suggestion though. Some punctuation at the end of lines would be better, at least to me as a reader. I get particular on that, because I'm not sure if the poem is meant to be read in a hurry, or if there are places you just didn't put commas but the reader was meant to pause.
This was a nicely written poem. Easy to read, but had a deeper meaning
thanks, it was just something off the top of my head and I'm glad it turned out so good
the only thing i think need word is the second stanza...anyone have suggestions?
I enjoyed this piece. The tone of it is very "poetic" to me, and yet it seems fresh and new.
Good job.